he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
