I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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