What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
