I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
