Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize