He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
