he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
