it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
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