I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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