xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize