I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
