Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
