i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Randomize
