I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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