i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
