this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
