my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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