he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize