I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I looked at my own cervix.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
