It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
where are my eyebrows?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize