the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
