I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
