he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Randomize
