Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
