just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
