Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
