my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
