I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
