Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
