I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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