yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
