I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
