They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
