what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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