if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
handjob tips. give me some.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
