I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
