I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
