Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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