I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
