Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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