My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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