It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
