This dress was meant to end up on your floor
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
