i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
