i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
