she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
