i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
