Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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