I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I feel like a drive thru vagina
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
