Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I checked into jail on foursquare
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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