I think I just saw someone hide a body.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
