Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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