I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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