remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
