I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
