You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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