Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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