You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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