Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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