Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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